sick
by michallev
Summary: Title says it all.... Alex has to face a serious illness. With time he will have to learn to lean on his friends for help and support.
1. Chapter 1

"Damn it." Alex swore as he felt a sharp pain in his side, where the stitches are.

"Are you okay?" A young nurse asked. He didn't reply. "Dr. Karev?" She tried again.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine." He said once he got his breathing and the pain under control. "Page me, if he spikes a fever again." He told the nurse as he handed her the chart and left the room. Feeling his left side with his right hand, he could feel the blood slowly trickling down, the feeling slightly tickled him. He probably tore some stitches. He would deal with the damage later, he decided.

He felt like crap. The pain evolved from a manageable throb to a sharp intense pain every time he even lifts his arm, once the local anesthesia wore off. Maybe he should just tell Bailey he's not feeling well, because frankly right now all he can think about is being in his room with the blinds shut and going to sleep. He's never really responded well to anesthesia. The drug made him nauseous, and tired and weak. He knew he shouldn't have gone back to the hospital after his tests. Hell, he even gave patients the same advice for their post biopsy instructions. Told them to have someone there to drive them home; to skip work for one day or two and to generally take things easy for the next couple of days.

He decided against telling Bailey for now. Because telling her he is not feeling well and is going home, will mean he would have to tell her the rest, like the reason he's not feeling well. And he can't deal with it right now. He won't tell her for now; Not until he has to; he thought to himself and prayed that his decision will not cost a patient's life, because the last time a patient died because of him had hurt like hell, not that he would ever admit it to anyone.

He walked into an empty closet room, where he was sure that no one will find him, and lowered himself into a sitting position on the floor. If standing up is too much of an effort right now, at least he'll be able to catch up on some paper work, he's been neglecting for the past couple of days. He tried to concentrate on the chart in front of him, a mother of 4 who had a tumor in her breast removed and was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, but that word "cancer" kept popping up in front of him every time he tried to review the chart.

He kept playing the conversation he had had earlier that day with Dr. Roberts. "We should probably get the result with in a couple of days. Try to relax and not think about it too much. We'll be in touch." Not to think about it too much, yeah right, he thought sarcastically. He's a surgeon, he knows what it all means, that doctor can't smooth talk him into thinking this is not a big deal. He had seen the CT results, for Christ sake. He was a doctor himself, how on earth had he allowed things to get this far, he should have caught it earlier…

Last week, while taking a shower, he felt a lump, under his right arm pit. He felt it for a few seconds, before the doctor part of him took over. He felt his left arm pit, and also felt a lump, another one in his neck and in his groin. At that point he started to panic- all of his lymph nodes are swollen, which is a very very bad sign. He made a doctor's appointment at County, not wanting anyone at Seattle Grace to find out. The CT confirmed his suspicions and earlier today he had a biopsy. He should have just gone home, can't really concentrate anyways.

He reviewed the chart once more. He remembered telling the patient the bad news. Her husband had been with her the whole time; they had left the kids with the grandmother, he now remembered. The husband was so supportive, kept telling her that everything will be okay, that he's there, that he'll always be there…. He closed the chart in front of him and took several deep breaths. The closet room seemed too crowded all of a sudden. He couldn't breathe. He knew that there will be no one there to hold his hand and to tell him soft soothing words, lies even, just to make him feel better. His entire life, he was never told that everything is going to be alright. Optimism is a luxury, his mom always said. His breathing became faster and faster, getting shallower with each breath he drew. He knew he was hyperventilating and should get it under control, before he passed out; the edged of his vision were already starting to grey. He drew in a shaky breath, holding it for a few seconds before exhaling. He repeated it for several more times, until he was breathing slower and he could feel his heart rate return to normal. Sighing deeply he closed his eyes and leaned his head against the wall. He was so screwed.

--

"Hey, Alex, are you okay?" Meredith sounded a little bit worried. They were alone in the resident's lounge. He was lying on the couch, trying to get a few minutes of sleep, while Meredith was getting something, he couldn't make out, out of her locker.

"Hah?" He asked, confused.

"Your bleeding" Meredith repeated as she pointed her finger at the general direction of his upper body. He completely forgot about it but now that she had mentioned it he could feel a slight throb were he tore open the stitches when they were moving a patient to a hospital bed earlier, the blood was already dry, he could tell.

"Oh" He said, raising his right hand to examine the damage. When he felt a familiar, warm, sticky sensation he excused himself and went to the men's restroom, where Meredith won't be able to follow him. Once he was sure there is no one else at the men's restroom he carefully half removed his scrub shirt, only removing one sleeve so that the shirt now hung loosely over his left shoulder, revealing his black wife-beater. He moved closely to the mirror to get a better look, and swore quietly when he saw that 3 out of 4 stitches had been torn open.

He stepped outside, the shirt still only half covered him and moved towards Meredith.

"Can you give me a hand?" He asked, indication to his reopen wound. Meredith nodded. "Come on, let's get you in an exam room so I can redo your stitches." Alex painfully put his shirt back on and followed Meredith out the resident's lounge and into an empty exam room and locked the door, so that no one will accidentally walk in on them.

"Let me take a closer look." Meredith said. He complied sitting on the exam table and removing his shirt, wincing a little when he moved his left arm. He leaned back and put his left arm over his head, so that she could have a better access to stitch him up. "Well, I have to redo 3 stitches." Meredith announced as she put on a pair of gloves and prepared the local anesthesia.

"Are you allergic to anything?" She asked while holding the syringe.

"Kiwi" He blurted without even thinking before he could stop himself.

"I'm not going to even ask…" Meredith smirked as she injected the anesthesia.

After several seconds the drug numbed the area and Meredith began stitching his wound. Alex avoided all eye contact deliberately, not wanting to explain, but eventually gave up- she wasn't dumb, she was a doctor, a surgeon, she had probably noticed by now.

"Do you feel it?" He asked.

"Yeah" She answered and instinctively moved to feel for his lymph nodes under his right armpit and in his neck.

"It's in both sides…" He stopped her before she could further examine him. "In the neck and groin too…" He added before she even asked. Meredith only resumed the stitching.

"Do you have the results back? Of the biopsy… I mean?" She asked not looking up from her job.

"Not until a couple more days." He tried to keep his voice steady. "You can't tell anyone, Meredith. Not Christina, not Shepard, no one. I mean it." He sounded desperate, but he didn't even care at the moment. He finally made eye contact with her.

"Alex…. You can't possibly think you can hide something like canc… like this. You'd have to tell at least Bailey, or the Chief, you'd have to…"

"There is nothing to tell, yet." He cut her mid-sentence, before she could use the words "you" and "cancer" in the same sentence again. He looked at her again as she wrapped up his new stitches. "Pleas, Meredith, you can't tell anyone, promise." He almost pleaded with her. If he told the Chief or Dr. Bailey, they'll probably kick him off the program the minute he won't be physically able to stand through an 8 hour surgery, like he had explained Norman, his former intern a while ago; or worse- they might pity him, and there is nothing he resents more than people feeling sorry for him. "Meredith…" He tries again.

"Fine, I promise." She said as she removed the gloves and threw them into a biohazard bin. She tried to help him sit up, but he waved her off, refusing her help; put his shirt back on and unlocked the door. He was half way out the room when Meredith called out his name. He turned around to see her still sitting on the chair by the exam table.

"Are you okay?" She asked softly. The question caught him completely off guard. Was he okay? He felt fine. He wasn't in any pain or anything. But then again he knew he was not fine, far from it, even if the test results aren't back yet to make it official. He considered lying to her, to tell her he was fine. But there was something in the way she sat there; something in the way she looked at him; something in the way she asked him if he was fine, that made it hard for him to lye to her. She worries about him; she actually cares, he realized.

"Can I get back to you on that one?" He finally replied as he left the room.

--

Two days later he knew for sure. He came back home late. A surgery had lasted longer than first expected. He was too afraid to look at the results at the hospital, so he waited until he got home. He knew he was sick even before he had opened up the envelope- his doctor had told him over the phone, but he didn't know how bad things were until he looked at the biopsy results. He tried to examine it from a doctor's point of view. The cancer doesn't seem to be too progressed. He would probably need only radiation treatment. God, even the thought about it made him sick.

He got up and grabbed a bottle of vodka, Meredith had stored in the fridge. He had managed to go through almost half the bottle before he hears someone approaching him.

"Oh, Alex…." Meredith exhaled, and Alex could clearly hear how exhausted she is.

"Here…" He slurred slightly and tossed the test results on the table, not so gracefully, as he was clearly drunk, and they went past the table and scattered all over the kitchen floor, knocking the half empty bottle in the process. He got up to pick up the mess he had made and stumbled forward. As the world tilted dangerously around him he was hit by a sudden wave of nausea; not able to stop himself he vomited all over the floor.

"M' sorry…." He tried to apologize to Meredith, as he stretched up, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. As he looked up he saw that she was holding the results of the biopsy, and was staring right back at him with a look he didn't recognize- was it pity? Sorrow? He couldn't really tell.

"It's okay…" She said as she put the file on the table. "Let's get you upstairs. I'll clean everything up." They both stumbled up the stairs and into Alex's room, Alex barely able to take on any of his weight in his state. Meredith helped him get his shirt and pants off and get into bed. She was just about to leave when she noticed he was awake, and didn't seem as drunk as he seemed to be only minutes before.

"You have to promise me not to tell anyone." He asked her again before passing out. Meredith simply turned off the lights and went back to the kitchen to clean it up before Izzie gets back home.

--

He woke up with a killer headache. He struggled into a sitting position when he remembered the events of last night- the test results, the conversation with his doctor, the vodka…. The room was spinning faster and faster making him nauseated. He suddenly felt the all too familiar feeling of bile in the back of his throat and lurched himself quickly into his bathroom, making it just in time and violently retched into the toilet, gripping the bowl for dear life. What a great way to start the day. Better get used to it, he thought sadly. When he was finally finished he got up slowly making sure that the room was not spinning; he only slightly swayed on his feet as he rinsed his mouth in the sink and brushed his teeth.

He has to be at County in 40 minutes for his first radiation treatment and he has surgery at 9:00, which means he has to leave the house within the next 5 minutes if he doesn't want to be late. He quickly stepped into the shower, not even bothering to see if there is enough hot water. He let the cold water wash over him, sobering him up within seconds. He tried to remember the exact moment that it happened. The moment when he decided he was going to fight for his life; that his life was worth fighting for. If he had found out he was sick 10 years ago he would have probably ended with his brain splattered all over the bathroom walls, like his mom…. He couldn't finish the thought. But now, now he was sick and he was going to do the course of radiation treatment and he was going to be alright, he has to…

He turned the water off and quickly dried himself with an old towel. The persistent headache wouldn't stop, so he grabbed a couple tablets of Tylenol, swallowing them with a sip of water from the tap. He then quickly dressed and went down stairs, praying he wouldn't run into Meredith, still embarrassed of her after throwing up all over her kitchen floor. He almost made it to the front door when he heard her call out his name from up the stairs. He quietly swore and turned around to face her. She was still in her pajamas, her hair all messy, and she seemed to only wake up moments ago.

"Where are…. Ah… you're leaving? How are you…. Ah… feeling?" she stuttered as she went down the stairs, and Alex couldn't help but think if this is how it was going to be between them from now on- only weird and awkward conversations.

"I'm sorry… about last night." He finally apologized.

"It's okay… not the first time that someone vomited all over my floor." She tried to lighten up the mood. "Where are you going this early? You don't have to be at the hospital for another 2 hours?"

"I… ah… I have radiation this morning…." He said in low voice, barely a whisper, suddenly afraid that someone else might find out.

"Oh…" She said, suddenly wide awake. "Do you want me to drive you there? I can be ready in two minutes…" She offered.

"No. I'll manage." He declined, though he was moved by her offer. No one has ever taken him to the doctor's before, not even when he was a kid; no one has even offered. "Meredith…" He began when she cut in.

"I know. Don't tell anyone. It's the third time you remind me. I still think that you should talk to the Chief and Bailey, though…" he looked at her, silently begging her with his eyes. "But I'm not going to tell them." She assured him.

"Thanks." He said as he opened the door letting the cold winter wind calm his nerves down. He almost made it to the car when Meredith caught up with him. "Alex, are you sure you don't want me to take you there? Or at least pick you up afterwards? Or at least do something… I feel that I have to do something…" she mumbled, not looking at him in the eye.

Alex could tell that she was cold, her lips were getting blue and he could see a small white moist coming out of her mouth every time she breathed out. "Meredith, it's okay. You don't have to do anything, seriously. I can manage." He said softly. "Get inside, it's freezing." He added, and got in his car.

A/N: not my best work, I have to admit. So please bear with me. And also review to let me know if you want me to continue with this fic.


	2. Chapter 2

George walked into the hospital's cafeteria and dropped his tray on the table, deliberately waking Alex up, who was fast asleep, his arms crossed on the table and his head rested on them, making him almost loose his balance and falling of the chair. He chuckled to himself and sat down, closely examining Alex. He had dark circles under his eyes, and although he rubbed his hand over his face in attempt to wake up he still looked run down and beyond exhausted. George almost felt sorry for the guy. Almost.

"Are you okay? You seem…. tired" George asked.

"I'm fine." Alex replied, just as his pager went off, and he left without even touching his food.

Alex got home past midnight and was ready to drop. He barely made it from the hospital back to the house. He felt nauseas the entire drive home, and by the time he had parked in front of Meredith's house he was shaking so bad he was sure he was going to crash the car. He waited in the car for a few minutes, just taking deep breaths, wishing the nausea to pass. When the feeling didn't go away he eventually gave up, opened the door and threw up right there on the lawn. He slowly stretched up, wiping his mouth and wincing at the bitter taste of bile in his mouth.

"Are you insane?!" He heard Izzie yelling as she ran up to him. "Are you out of your mind?" What the hell was she yelling about he thought to himself, confused. "Driving home drunk? You're lucky you didn't hit anyone. What's the matter with you?"

"I'm not drunk" He said dejectedly and tried to get past her.

"Yeah, right." Izzie replied sarcastically.

He exhaled loudly and brushed past her. Seriously, he just wanted to get inside, crawl into his bed and sleep until tomorrow. Until he would have to wake up to go to radiation again and go through the entire nightmare again.

Izzie looked at Alex as he walked towards the house. At first she thought that he was drunk. What else was she supposed to think when she saw him park the car not so gracefully on the lawn and vomiting out the open door? But now she wasn't so sure. He seemed steady when he walked…. Maybe he was just sick… or tired…. Eventually she just followed him inside.

She saw him slumped on the couch in the living room, he didn't even bother to take his shoes off. Just lied there on his left side, his eyes slam shut and he seemed like he was in pain.

"Are you sick?" She didn't sound as angry as before, just worried.

"I'm not feeling well." He admitted. "I'm not drunk."

"I know. I'm sorry…. I didn't mean to… I just assumed… why won't you go up to your room and I'll make you some tea?" she offered.

"Think I'll just stay here…" he mumbled as he felt his eyelids grow heavier. God, how is going to get through another day like this, if he can't even make it upstairs to his own room, or keep himself awake?

Izzie watched him for a few seconds after he had fallen asleep, before throwing a thin blanked on him and going back to her own room to catch a few hours of sleep.

Alex woke up and had no idea where he was. At first he thought that he was back home in Iowa but then remembered that he was in Seattle, in Meredith's house and that he simply crashed in the living room last night. He looked at his watch and saw that it was only 4:27 AM and tried to go back to sleep, but after turning and tossing on the couch for 20 minutes he just gave up. He walked slowly upstairs, the climb taking its toll on him and left him almost breathless. But he wanted to take a shower in his own bathroom and all his clothes where in his room. He went into his bathroom and turned the water to burning hot, suddenly feeling cold. Was it because it was early in a winter morning or because he was sick? He couldn't tell. He took a good look at himself in the mirror and decided that for now he only looked tired, but that was not uncommon when you're a resident, and just a little sick, like he was coming down with something and he could definitely live with that.

He got under the steaming hot water and allowed himself to relax a little. He wasn't feeling as sick as he felt the night before; the few hours of sleep he got definitely helped, even if he only got about 4 hours. Plus, today is supposed to be an easier day. He still has to go to County for radiation, but he doesn't have any major surgeries and he could take it easy if he feels he's not up to it.

He got up and got dressed before going down stairs to get something to eat and grab a cup of coffee. It was only 5 AM and no one was up yet, so he allowed himself to enjoy the peace and quiet for a while. It was rare these days to have Meredith's house all to himself. Grabbing one of Izzie's muffins he sat his coffee on the table and set down sipping from his steaming coffee mug.

"Feeling any better?" Izzie asked as she walked into the kitchen. Her hair was messy and she was yawning widely. "Maybe you should call in sick today…" She suggested as she made herself a cup of coffee.

"Nah… I'm feeling much better…. Must be something I ate… I'll be fine." He said as he got up to leave.

"What? You're leaving already? It's only 5 AM."

"Yeah, I have this errand before work and I don't want to be late." He said as he grabbed his half eaten muffin for the road.

--

By the time he was about to start his rounds Alex was already run down. What little he had for breakfast made a reappearance shortly after he had left County, and he had been sick three more times since then. He took a quick shower once he got to Seattle Grace in the hopes that it would make him feel slightly better, but no matter how hot the water was he simply couldn't get warmer. He could feel the chills running through his body, which meant that he probably got a fever. That's just great, he thought angrily to himself. He thought about calling his oncologist and was just about to make the call when Christina walked into the locker room and told him that Dr. Shepard was looking for him and he was late for rounds. So he decided to delay the call for now, probably just a side affect from radiation, he thought- it's not unheard of. He put on his lab coat and left.

"Glad you could join us, Dr. Karev." Dr. Shepard welcomed Alex sarcastically, as he walked into the patient's room. Shepard was standing by the patient's bed along with Meredith and her interns, and Alex couldn't help but wonder whether he was needed there or not. Meredith was carefully studying him, he could feel her eyes on him, so he stretched up a little and tried to hide the nausea and generally look more alive.

"We were just discussing the precautionary measures in this case." Dr. Shepard continued. "Dr. O'Malley, care to fill Dr. Karev in?"

"Ah… Mr. William's tumor can cause uncontrollable violent outbursts, so he will be held in restrains until his surgery." George explained.

"Good, and what will we do in case he has an outburst, Dr. Karev?" Dr. Shepard addressed the question to him, catching him completely unprepared; he wasn't even paying attention to what George was saying before.

"What?" he asked. Dr. Shepard just stared at him, clearly pissed off.

"We'll treat it with Haldol." Meredith said, covering for him.

"Okay then. Mr. Williams, you're in good hands, and I'll be seeing you in a few hours." Dr. Shepard said as they all exited the room. Once they were all outside he addressed the staff. "What ever you do, do not aggravate him and do not let him out of the restrains- before he was diagnosed he almost choked a guy to death…" He said and left the groups of doctors standing there.

"Are you okay?" He heard Meredith asking him.

"Not really…" He replied softly, not even bothering to pretend with her.

"Why won't you do lie down for a bit, I'll cover for you…." She suggested. He thought about turning her down, refusing to receive help, but the mere thought about standing for even a bit longer was tiring him, so he simply nodded and thanked her before he went to find an empty bed in one of the deserted corridors of Seattle Grace.

He got almost 30 minutes of sleep and felt slightly more human when he went back to check on his patients. "Alex, help!" He heard George call out his name from Mr. Williams' room. He was unrestrained when he walked into his room, and Alex wondered who was the idiot who let him loose. He was standing in front of George waving an IV pole in every direction shouting at them to step back.

"George, get security, and page Shepard." He ordered and stepped closer to Mr. Williams. He waited until George left before grabbing the pole out of his hands. On any other day he would have easily taken him down. But today in his weak state he had no such luck. He tried to pull the pole out of Mr. Williams' hands but the man had a firm grip and instead pulled Alex closer to him. It all happened too fast for Alex to react- Mr. Williams punched him in his face and he could hear a sickening crack sound as his fist connected with his nose, breaking it, making blood flow freely from his nose and drip onto his chin. Alex was blinded from the pain for a mere second but it was all it took for Mr. Williams to grab his throat with one hand while still punching him with the other.

Alex tried to struggle free as he felt that breathing was getting harder and harder, as Mr. Williams hand closed around his wind pipe. He managed to strike Mr. Williams a few times but it didn't loosen his grip, and Alex began to panic as he realized that the man was having some sort of seizure, which meant that his muscles are cramping up and will soon block all of his air ways.

They struggled for a few more seconds until suddenly Mr. Williams threw them both through the glass wall into the hallway. Alex heard the sound of glass shattering before he felt the shards tear his skin as they both fell to the ground, but even the fall didn't cause Mr. Williams to loosen his grip. He was really dizzy by now from the lack of oxygen and didn't have the strength to fight him any longer. Eventually he just gave up and stopped fighting all together, allowing his eyes to close.

"What the hell?! Who let him out of the restrains?" Dr. Shepard stormed the corridor. "Oh God." He managed to say as the scene played before him- Alex was lying on the floor, his arms spread to his sides, his eyes slam shut, blood running freely from his nose and from a few lacerations in his forehead, while Mr. Williams was on top of him, choking him, his face all red from the effort. The two of them were covered in pieces of glass from the broken wall and the shards were glistering all over the floor, making the whole scene seem a bit surreal. He quickly approached them and injected the Haldol, and Mr. Williams grip loosened immediately, and he was taken back to his room by George and another orderly.

"Alex, Alex… Can you hear me…" Dr. Shepard attended to the resident, who seemed unconscious. He forcefully squeezed the muscle between his neck and his shoulder, and really began to get worried when he got no response. "Alex, Alex, open your eyes" He tried again. Suddenly, Dr. Bailey appeared beside him with an ambu bag forcing oxygen into her former intern's lungs. She squeezed the bag twice before Alex suddenly jerked away from them, turning over his left side and violently coughing.

The coughing fit seemed to last forever, leaving Alex throat feeling scratched and raw. He inhaled quickly a few times filling his lungs with air, and all the while trying to hold the tears back. He could feel someone drawing soothing circles on his back and he slowly began to relax. Slowly he pushed himself into a sitting position leaning heavily against the wall breathing deeply, still coughing every now and then.

"You're okay… you're okay…" Dr. Bailey tried to calm him down. "Follow this…." He heard Dr. Shepard talking to him. He didn't respond. "Alex…" He addressed him again. He lifted his eye lids and shone a pen light in his eyes. The sudden brightness making him feel sick. He shut his eyes and swallowed hard against the sudden wave of nausea.

"Alex…." Dr. Shepard asked again, shining the pen in his eyes.

He couldn't fight it anymore this time. He turned to his left side and violently retched into a trash can. He felt awful. He waited until the cramping subsided and he was only dry heaving before he straightened up and opened his eyes, allowing Dr. Shepard to examine him. He followed the pen light with his eyes and answered their question briefly.

"You probably have a concussion." Dr. Shepard summarized. "You should get a CT…."

"No!!" He almost shouted. "No, I'm fine…" He added softly. If he did another CT they would definitely find out he was sick, and he couldn't handle it right now.

"Fine." Dr. Bailey agreed. "But at least go to Slaon and have your nose looked at and get him to stitch you up." She instructed, and for the first time Alex noticed that he was bleeding from a few lacerations in his head. Dr. Bailey got up and Dr. Shepard helped him to stand up. He swayed a little as he stretched up and had to lean against the wall for support for a few seconds before he was sure he will be able to walk on his own.

"Oh God." Izzie yelled as she ran into the three of them in the hall way. "What happened?" Alex looked awful- there were already bruises forming a black eye and sort of raccoon look from the broken nose. There were also bruises clearly forming around his neck in the shape of fingers making Izzie feel bit nauseas. There were also several lacerations slowly oozing blood from where the glass probably cut his skin. He looked pale and was covered in sheen of sweat, and he also seemed to be unsteady on his feet. Perhaps on top of everything else he was still sick from last night, she wondered. Maybe she should tell the rest of the doctors about that…

"Nothing… I… I'm fine" Alex said suddenly feeling a bit dizzy.

"Dr. Karev here is just going to get himself patched up by Dr. Slaon, and then he is going home, isn't that right, Dr. Karev?" Dr. Bailey said in a tone of voice which indicated that he had absolutely no say in the matter. "Maybe you could escort him there?"

"Sure" Izzie agreed and turned around to walk Alex into an exam room.

"I don't need a babysitter…" He mumbled under his breath.

"What was that?" Dr. Bailey asked.

"Nothing…" He growled and followed Izzie into the empty exam room.

Dr. Sloan just finished the last of his stitches when the Chief, Dr. Shepard and Dr. Bailey walked in, and Alex couldn't stop himself from sighing deeply, indicating there is nothing more he would rather have than them gone.

"How are you feeling, Dr. Karev?" The Chief asked.

"Fine." He answered curtly.

"I wouldn't call a concussion and 13 stitches fine."

"I've been beat up worse by my father." He blurted before he could stop himself, and everyone in the room got quiet all of a sudden.

"It was one of the new nurses, who opened the restrains." Dr. Shepard provided with an explanation, making sure that Alex understood that it was not his fault, not that he thought it was his fault to begin with.

"I would strongly recommend that you'd stay here for observation for at least on night, but I understand that you feel strongly against it. So you're going home." The Chief instructed. "And I don't want to see you here for the rest of the week, understood? And if by any chance you are not feeling well, if the smallest thing feels off somehow, I want you back here in an instance. Is that clear?"

"Crystal, sir." Alex replied before getting up to leave.

"Alex, wait." Izzie called after him. "Let me drive you home…" She offered and he waited until she caught up with him, silently accepting her offer.

--

Meredith got home a little early hoping to check in on Alex. She was having a hard time covering for him, keeping his secret. She was really worried about him, getting beaten up can't possibly be doing his illness any good. She brought a bag of saline with her, guessing he is probably dehydrated.

"Alex?" She called out for him as she went upstairs. She got no response, maybe he's sleeping, she wondered. When she got upstairs she saw that Alex's door was closed. She softly knocked and called out his name again. When she still got no response she opened the door and got inside.

The first thing Meredith noticed was the scent of vomit in the air. She wrinkled her nose in disgust and moved closer to the bed, where she assumed lay Alex underneath the covers, though his face was not visible. She peered at the bucket by the bed and realized the awful smell came from there. Alex probably had left it there instead of getting up to throw up each time. She pulled the covers a little revealing Alex's face. He was a sleep and didn't even acknowledge her presence. His skin seemed hot to the touch and she figured that he is probably running a fever. She tucked the covers around him before moving to open the window, letting the cold winter air enter the room. She then grabbed the bucket and went into Alex's bathroom to wash it.

Returning back to Alex's room a couple of minutes later with a glass of water and the saline bag the smell was beginning to evaporate and it was easier to breathe. She put the saline bag on the nightstand and sat on the edge of the bed.

"Alex?" She softly shook him.

"Wha'?" he slurred in his sleep.

"Alex, I need you to wake up." She shook him a bit harder this time.

He slowly opened his eyes, turned on his back and pulled himself into a semi sitting position. His face now clearly visible, Meredith could examine the full extant of his injuries. "God…" She whispered. His left eye was almost completely swollen shut, and the ugly purple bruises around his neck probably made it difficult for him to breath. There were to butterfly bandaged just above his right brow covering a neat row of stitches and another bandage right by his hairline. He looked completely miserable.

"It looks worse than it really is." He said apologetically when he noticed she was staring at him.

"Here, drink this." She handed him the glass of water.

He took the glass from her and put it aside. "Thanks, but really don't think I'll be able to keep anything down."

"You're probably dehydrated." She said reaching for the saline bag.

He looked at the bag and then back at Meredith. "Fine." He agreed and stretched out his right arm so that she could insert the needle easily.

It took her a couple of minutes to set the IV and once she was finished she put the bag on Alex's shoulder allowing the fluids to flow into his vain freely. His eyes were closed again and he seemed to be sleeping. The room was getting too cold for her so she got up and closed the window and then sat back on the bed.

"You can't keep doing this Alex." She said quietly. Alex opened his eyes and looked at her.

"You'd have to tell them… I mean… look at you…"

"It wasn't my fault… one of the nurses let the guy loose…."

"Yeah, but any other day you would have been able to fight him off and wouldn't let things get this far… you're just lucky it didn't turn out worse." She retorted back.

"I can't… I'm handling this the best way I know how…" he said without looking her in the eye.

"I know you are…." Meredith said quietly. She softly ruffled his hair as she got up. "Get some sleep; I'll be waking you up every couple of hours or so to check on your concussion." He closed his eyes again.

"Meredith?" he called out to her and she turned around at the doorway. "I'll tell them eventually okay? Just not… not now. But I want to be the one to tell them… so you have to… promise me… promise me you are not going to say anything?" He pleaded again. Meredith simply nodded before exiting the room.


	3. Chapter 3

Alex stretched up painfully and the first thing he noticed was the bloody water in the toilet. His blood, he realized. He also couldn't ignore the sharp pain in his stomach as he got up. He got back to work only a few days ago. He was so tired and exhausted and drained by then, that it hadn't gone unnoticed. But he could easily pass it out to the attack from the previous week. The bruises still haven't all faded and the stitches have only been removed a few days ago.

He was starting to think more and more that maybe Meredith was right after all, maybe he couldn't do this all alone; maybe he couldn't do this at all… He almost broke and told Bailey the other day, almost, when she caught him fast asleep by the nurses' station, but eventually he chickened out and just told her that he hadn't been sleeping much, which wasn't too far from the truth. He really wasn't getting much sleep as it is. He still had a low grade fever, which he just couldn't seem to shake off and his doctor had mentioned that if he would not respond to the antibiotics he prescribed he might have to check him into the hospital for some further tests. He couldn't sleep well since that call.

And now this. What else could possibly go wrong? He thought as he flushed the toilet and looked at his own blood being flushed away. He thought again about saying something to someone, or at least call his doctor, after all he was a surgeon, he knew that vomiting blood is never a good sign. But Sloan had finally asked him to scrub in on a facial reconstruction surgery and he'd rather die before he passed on an opportunity like this. Literally. He wasn't going to pass down an opportunity like this, and he didn't even care if Sloan had only asked him because he felt sorry for him for what had happened last week. He was almost choked to death by a patient- he deserved to enjoy the benefits… he'll deal with this whole abdominal pain and throwing up blood, and low grade fever and cancer later…. Right now he is going to be a surgeon.

He walked into Mrs. Richmond's room just as Dr. Sloan finished rounds. "Karev, good, you're here." He didn't sound angry at him for being late, must really be feeling sorry for him for last week's incident, he thought to himself. "Prep Mrs. Richmond here for surgery and meet me there." He instructed and left the room along with the rest of the surgical staff.

When everyone had left and he stayed alone with Mrs. Richmond he felt another jolt of pain again. He winced and tried to ignore it, going through the routine preparations with the patient. Another jolt of pain caused a wave of nausea and he quickly lurched into the bathroom in the Mrs. Richmond's room before he threw up all over her. He violently retched for a few seconds before the cramping subsided, leaving him feeling even more tired and weak, if that's even possible. He stretched up slowly and rinsed his mouth, again staring in amazement at his own blood in the toilet before flushing the water down. He made a mental note to himself to do something about it the minute Mrs. Richmond's surgery is over. He'd call his doctor and have him run a few more tests, this all vomiting blood thing was really starting to worry him- he had a feeling it was more than just another side affect of the radiation treatment….

"Are you sure you're okay to operate on me?" Mrs. Richmond asked the second he stepped out. "Maybe you should get another doctor…." She suggested.

"I'm fine." He said; trying to sound the most confident he possibly could. "Probably just something I ate…." He explained; no point in trying to hide the fact that he just threw up in her bathroom- she probably heard the whole thing.

She still looked at him skeptically, and Alex began to worry she might tell someone that he wasn't feeling well. "Don't worry, it's not contagious." He assured her, put on his best smile and continued preparing her for surgery.

The surgery was progressing well. Usually Alex would stand there staring in admiration at Dr. Sloan's techniques, trying to memorize his movements so later on he would be able to practice them alone, but today he just couldn't seem to concentrate. The dull ache in his abdomen from earlier this morning had progressed to a throb and now to a sharp pain every time he moved or even tried to lean over to get a better look. He was also using his last remaining energy in attempt to concentrate on the procedure before him, on not throwing up all over the patient and on generally standing up as straight as the abdominal pain would allow him.

Suddenly he was struck by a dizzy spell and almost grabbed the table with all the surgical instruments when he remembered that he was in a sterile environment and is not allowed to touch anything, beside the equipment required for the surgery itself. So he just inhaled slowly and focused on a spot in the opposite wall willing himself to remain up right.

"….Dr. Karev?" Dr. Sloan's voice penetrated his mind. He obviously asked him something, though Alex had absolutely no idea what, since he didn't hear the question at all. In fact it seemed as if he heard what was going on around like he was underwater- the voices seemed to becoming from afar, and the edges of his vision were slightly blurry.

"Wha?... what?" He stuttered and again tried to concentrate on the patient.

"How - would - you - proceed, Dr. Karev?" Dr. Sloan repeated the question slowly, emphasizing each word. It appeared the Sloan thought that was enough of an explanation- proceed with what? Alex realized that he had no idea what was going on around him. He caught a glimpse of Dr. Sloan's eyes, visible through the surgical mask- he was clearly pissed off.

"Get out." He suddenly ordered Alex; it was obvious that his patience was stretched to its limits.

"What?" Alex had to ask, he wasn't sure that he had heard him right the first time.

Meredith was observing the surgery from up the gallery along with Dr. Bailey and George. She was observing quite a lot of Alex's surgeries since he got back to work. She couldn't help herself; she just wanted to keep an eye on him, to make sure he was alright. Nobody seemed to notice there was anything wrong with him; or if they did notice they thought it had something to do with a patient beating the crap out of him last week. They didn't notice how thin he got over the past couple of weeks, or how tired he seemed no matter how much sleep he got, or how he barely ate, or slept…. In general, they just had no idea that he was sick. Somehow it just pissed Meredith off- he was their people, their friend. Friends notice these things. Seriously, it was so obvious, how could they miss it?

She peered down into the OR again. Something seemed off with Alex, but at first she couldn't put her finger on it. He looked like he was in some sort of discomfort, he also seemed a bit feverish, but she knew he'd been running a fever for the past few days, he had told her himself and assured her that his doctor was well informed of this and okayed it for him to be working. He also seemed to be swaying a little on his feet, but he was quite far from her, she could be wrong… but then again something was definitely off…..

"Something wrong…" She said quietly to no one in particular.

And then Dr. Sloan had kicked Alex out and all hell broke loose.

"Get out of my OR." Dr. Sloan repeated coldly. "Obviously this procedure is of little interest to you, so do us all a favor and get the hell out."

"I…. I don't…." Alex tried to comprehend what was going on around him, and besides, he wasn't so sure he will be able to walk right now. Just standing up seemed to be taking up all of his energy and he had to use all of his will power to remain standing upright and not to double over as the sharp pain in his stomach intensified.

"I don't want to hear it. Just leave." Dr. Sloan said again and went back to the patient in front of him.

Alex took several steps backwards, staggered is more like it, intending to leave as he was told when another jolt of pain reaped through his stomach. He also felt the bitter taste of bile mixed with the taste of copper in his mouth. He almost threw up right there and then, but then stopped for a second, slammed his eyes shut as the room began to spin around him and swallowed hard, trying not to show any signs of distress, with no avail.

"Are you okay? Doctor?" One of nurses addressed him. "You're bleeding…" She said softly as tiny droplets of blood were clearly visible against the white surgical mask covering his face. Alex didn't answer. "Dr. Karev?" She asked again.

He was about to reply that he was fine and is leaving when a wave of nausea hit him again, this time he couldn't fight it anymore. He doubled over and was throwing up through the surgical masks before anyone could react. He tried to grab a hold of something to steady himself, but since he was not able to support his weight any more he managed to topple over the tray with all the instruments in a loud noise, sending the various scalpels, clamps and other instruments scattering all over, as he eventually collapsed, with a sickening thud, to the floor.

Dr. Sloan turned around due to the noise but was unable to see what was going on with Alex. "Is he drunk?!" He asked in disgust, his voice slightly pitching, as the distinguished sound of retching was clearly heard, before resuming the procedure at hand. "Get him the hell out of my sight." He ordered coldly.

"Dr. Karev!!" The nurse from before kneeled beside him. "He's vomiting blood…." She said turning her head in Dr. Sloan's direction.

"What?!" Dr. Sloan turned again. He took a couple of steps away from the sedated Mrs. Richmond until he could clearly see Alex lying on the floor on his right side in a semi-fetal position. His surgical mask hung loosely bellow his chin and thick ropey cords of saliva and blood were coming out of his mouth. "God…." He said, his voice slightly panicked. "Bailey, get in here." He called for Dr. Bailey from up the gallery, and remained watching until he saw Meredith, Bailey and George storming out of the gallery in the direction of his OR.

"Okay people, get back to work, this patient here is still cut open…." He ordered everyone in the OR in the hopes that it will take the attention away from Alex, sensing that the young resident wouldn't like it to be watched by so many people in his current state.

"What happened?!" Dr. Bailey stormed into the OR and kneeled down to check on Alex, quickly followed by Meredith and George, who lowered a gurney onto the floor. "Let's get him to an exam room. You two…" Dr. Bailey pointed at two male interns… "Help us get him on the gurney." The three of them with the help of a couple of Alex's interns lifted him up onto the gurney, Alex softly moaning as the transition caused another wave of pain, and Meredith didn't miss the look on Dr. Bailey's face when they all realized how much weight he had lost these past few weeks. "O'Malley, type and cross two units, he's lost too much blood already…" Dr. Bailey ordered.

"What's wrong with him?" George asked, as they wheeled him out of the OR, hearing Dr. Sloan calling after them, telling them to keep him updated.

"He's got Hodgkins, was diagnosed a few weeks ago. He's been in radiation for over two weeks." Meredith said; they needed to know this stuff so that they'll be able to treat him.

"What?!" George and Bailey said simultaneously. They both stopped for a few seconds, staring at Alex and at Meredith in shock, before Dr. Bailey recovered and regained her doctor mode.

"Alex? Alex can you hear me? What drugs are you taking? Alex?" She started asking him.

"You promised…." He said in a low breathy voice, looking directly into Meredith's eyes, and Meredith couldn't help but to feel a little guilty about revealing his secret. Another cramping rippled through his stomach and he started retching again. Not having the energy left to even turn on his side, he vomited lying flat on his back and immediately started choking on his own blood.

"Turn him on his side, before he aspirates." Dr. Bailey ordered. "Who's his oncologist?" She then addressed Meredith.

"Dr. Roberts from County. I'll go and contact him, get Alex's medical records as well…" She said and left in a hurry.

Once the cramping subsided Alex turned on his back. "Hurts…." He mumbled looking at Dr. Bailey, before he finally past out.

"How the hell did he think he could possibly keep something like this from us?" Bailey asked out loud as they wheeled Alex into an empty exam room. "How the hell did I miss this?"

--

Alex felt like a little kid who skipped school and got caught and sent to the principal's office. He tried to catch Dr. Bailey's eyes but as soon as they eyes locked he quickly averted his gaze, not wanting to see the anger there. At least the painful cramping in his stomach had stopped. He was no longer throwing up and he wasn't in pain. In fact he wasn't feeling anything much at all, except for that slight floating sensation from the morphine he had been administered a short while ago.

He was lying in a hospital bed with a blood transfusion in his right arm and an IV of antibiotics in his left. He was also hooked to a heart monitor, the electrodes coming out of the hospital gown he was wearing, and there was a blood pressure cuff slightly pressing around his upper left arm. Dr. Bailey was performing an ultrasound to his liver and the slight pressure on his abdomen caused him a slight discomfort. He figured that only due to the morphine it wasn't causing him a sharp torturous pain. He tried to focus on the ultrasound screen, to see the extent of the damage but he couldn't concentrate, wasn't really able to think straight.

Meredith was also there with his thick medical records and he really dreaded what they would all think of him once they got a chance to look through it. At least he won't have to lie anymore. He hated lying. The news will probably be all over the hospital by this time tomorrow- no point in lying anyway, he thought sadly.

"So I guess going home is out of the question?" he asked nonchalantly, looking back from Bailey, to George to Meredith, trying to mask his fear of staying in the hospital as a patient. He really didn't want to be reminded that he was sick or that he might die. Neither of them had even bothered to answer his question.

"There is a slight bleed." Dr. Bailey confirmed, pointing at the screen with her right hand, as she removed the ultrasound and wiped the gel off his stomach with her left. She was still unable to look him in the eye. "We'll see how you react to the drugs before we do anything drastic. I'll also want to consult with Dr. Roberts, your oncologist, before we decide the course of treatment."

He thought that they were finished and just about ready to leave when Dr. Bailey spoke to him again. "Alex, there is one more thing." He looked up at her and for the first time since he had collapsed at the OR he looked straight at her. "We were going through your medical records, and there is some information missing…." He didn't replay; he had a good idea where this conversation was headed. "You wrote that your mother is deceased, but you didn't say anything about her cause of death…." She spoke quietly.

"It's irrelevant." He said a little harsher than he intended.

"Alex, they need to know these things…" Meredith said softly, and Alex thought that the way she said it sounded like she was apologizing to him for telling them about him being sick, or at least trying to explain why she outed him in front of everyone, after he had specifically asked her to keep quiet about it.

He decided to tell them the truth, no more lying, he really didn't have the energy to keep his mask on, to act like everything was alright when clearly everything was all so messed up. "She blew her brains out." He said bluntly, a part of him just wanting to throw that in there faces to see their reaction. "She… ah… she shot herself…. I was 17…." He added softly when he saw their shocked expressions.

"Okay then. It really is irrelevant." Dr. Bailey said, indication that this little piece of information can stay just between the three of them. Alex looked at her again, hoping that his look expressed his gratitude to her for doing this.

They all got up to leave when Dr. Bailey stopped at the door. "Is there anyone you'd want us to call?" She asked softly, and Alex thought that maybe she wasn't really mad at him after all, she sounded more concerned than anything, like she actually cared, and that surprised him more than anything- he wasn't used to people actually caring about him. He thought about it for a few seconds- he never had anyone come and visit him in any of his previous hospital stays. Even as a kid, he always stayed alone; most of the times he even went to the hospital for treatment alone.

"Izzie…" He finally said. "Can you get Izzie? I want to tell her in person, I don't want her to find out through the hospital's gossip…" He explained.

"Sure, I'll get her for you." George said, and they all left, leaving him alone in the room, feeling for the first time in a long time that a heavy load was pulled off his shoulders.


	4. Chapter 4

Izzie took one look at Alex's chart and left the room, without uttering a single word, his voice calling "Oh, come on, Izzie" echoing in her ears. Alex just slammed his head back into his pillow and sighed deeply. He honestly thought that she would take the news in a better way. He could tell that she was angry at him, probably for not telling her. He found it surprising that he noticed she was angry at all, and even more surprised that he cared. Only a few weeks ago he wouldn't even flinch at her reaction. He wasn't used to feeling guilty over something like keeping his private life private. He never really shared this kind of stuff with anyone. But apparently a lot of things used to be. He some how honestly thought that he would be forgiven once he cleared everything with her, once he explained it all. But she didn't even give him the chance to do that, she just left, leaving him to wonder, once again, how the hell everything got so wrong.

"I can't believe…. the idiot… what the hell does he think…." Izzie was mumbling to her self in front of the nurses' station, once she left Alex's room. She was pacing furiously back and forth rubbing her forehead with her right hand every now and then, still muttering to herself.

"Izzie…." George approached the still mumbling Izzie; she didn't acknowledge him, nor did she stop pacing. "Izzie stop" He tried again, a little harsher this time but still got no response. "Izzie!!" George practically yelled at her, while grabbing her upper left arm and turned her around so she could face him.

Izzie stopped pacing for a few seconds and stared at George. He took a good look at her- she was no longer mumbling to herself, but she had anger written all over her face. Then her features softened and she just seemed sad, he thought to himself.

"How could he not tell us?" She asked quietly, looking down, suddenly embarrassed to admit, even to George, that Alex did not confined in her, did not come to her in a time of need.

"Well, he did tell Meredith…" George blurted out, before he realized his mistake.

"Exactly…." She replied bitterly. "He told Meredith. He didn't tell me… even after I had caught him puking in front of hour house…. Even after I had accused him of driving home drunk… He just said that he wasn't feeling well… after everything… after everything that we've been through, where the hell did he get the nerve to not tell me, to shut me out?! Me, of all people?!" She turned to leave but George caught up with her once more.

"Izzie… he didn't tell anyone except for Meredith. I'm sure it's nothing personal…." He tried to rationalize Alex's behavior to her.

"You don't understand…. We used to date…. I thought…" She started in an angry tone. "I thought we were friends…." She finally said dejectedly. "And he just shut me out like that…. and sick or not, that's a crappy way to treat your friends." She said angrily and finally left.

--

Alex was lying in his bed, trying to get comfortable with no avail. No matter which position he tried he couldn't alleviate the growing pressure in his abdomen, where his liver is. That the disadvantage of being a doctor who's a patient, or a patient who's a doctor- he couldn't decide how to define himself ever since he'd been admitted- that you know all the possibilities of what might be wrong with you. Sometimes ignorance is a blessing, like his mom used to say, he thought.

He also felt too hot and too cold at the same time and his joints really hurt every time he even tried to move, which meant that his persistent low grade fever has spiked up. He was shaking from being cold so he tightened the thin blanket around himself; let it cover his exposed upper body.

He tried to reach for a glass of water from the bed side table when a jolt of pain wrecked his entire body, starting in his stomach and exploding in his brain. He wanted to call for one of the nurses, to have them page Meredith, or Dr. Bailey, or even O'Malley, so they'd give him something for the pain, he couldn't take it anymore, when another wave of pain reaped through him making him loosen the grip of the glass, which fell to the floor and broke, sending pieces of glass scattering all over the floor. He tried to control the pain- closed his eyes and drew deep breaths, well, as deep as he could, and slowly exhaled- and tried to keep the tears at bay. God, it really hurt, but he would rather be dead than to be caught crying over something like acute abdominal pain, no matter how sever the pain is. He was going to press the emergency button, to call for help, when the pain finally subsided and he could breathe again. He then drew several more deep breaths, a little easier this time, and leaned back, slightly panting, wiping the sweat of his forehead with the blanket.

He tried to relax a little, to tell himself that he was just fine, but he couldn't even convince himself. Eventually he just gave up- closed his eyes and willed himself to fall into a restless painful sleep, making a mental note to mention it to the next person with a medical degree that comes through the doors.

He woke up sometime later and all he could feel was white hot searing pain. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't talk, he couldn't even move. Nothing existed except for the burning sensation in his stomach. He used all of his will power to sit up so he could reach the emergency button; he turned slightly to his left and pressed the button when another wave of nausea hit him. It was so intense he couldn't even try and fight it this time. He felt the familiar taste of bile in the back of his throat but once he started vomiting all he could taste was the coppery taste of blood. He waited for the torturous cramping to subside like it did last time, but it didn't, he just kept coughing and throwing up more and more blood. He also felt light headed and dizzy, getting weaker and weaker from the blood loss, and eventually he just didn't have the evergy to himself sitting up anymore and just sagged back in his bed, giving in to the uncontrollable cramping.

"Alex, what's wro….?" Dr. Bailey stopped mid sentence as the scene played before her. Alex was half lying half sitting in his bed, vomiting and coughing up blood without even moving. The dark blood was flowing from his mouth, onto his chin and onto his bare upper body, soaking the blanket. The whole scene just reminded her of something out of a horror movie.

She quickly recovered and ran to her resident. She quickly assessed his condition- his eyes were only half open and he seemed oblivious to all the commotion around him, he also did not respond when spoken to, but he slightly tried to jerk away when she rubbed her knuckles against his sternum. His responding to pain, she thought to herself, at least that's one good sign. Dr. Bailey lowered the bed so that Alex was lying flat down, so he'd be easier to treat, and then rolled him onto his left side, so he wouldn't aspirate on his own blood.

"Okay people, he's already lost a lot of blood, so let's get two crossed units in, while I start a central line. Also book an OR, I have to stop this bleeding." She ordered one of the interns. They then worked in silence for several minutes hooking Alex to all sorts of IV lines and reattaching him to some of the machines he was able to disconnect himself from when he still had the energy to flail around and jerk away. "Page Dr. Grey and O'Malley and have them meet us there." She added as they were rolling the bed out of the room. "Oh, and get ice packs, a lot of them, we have to bring his fever down."

Dr. Bailey remained behind as they whiled Alex's bed out of the room, leaving a trail of blood as he kept throwing up more blood. She inhaled deeply and scanned the room- the floor was a mess of gauze and disconnected tubes- but what caught her eyes more than anything was the pool of blood where the bed used to be. It was too much blood, which got her thinking- if Alex didn't tell them about the cancer, and if he could hold on for that long wile vomiting all that blood, is it possible that he is hiding something more? She then pushed that thought out of her head and hurried to the OR before Alex could bleed to death.

--

Alex opened his eyes and a feeling of vertigo hit him, making him dizzy. Everything just flashed in front of his eyes making him feel like a little kid who gets a little car sick. He was aware that he's lying on his side and that he is being whiled along the corridors of the hospital, but he had no idea where or why. The cramping in his stomach hasn't stopped and he felt himself throwing up blood no matter how hard he tried to stop it. Eventually he stopped trying and just watched mesmerized at the bloody trail he was leaving behind.

He then spotted another pair of shoes running towards him and then along with him. He tried to remember whose shoes they are, sure that he recognized them, but the pain made it hare for him to concentrate on anything more than just breathing. He also heard muffled voices and he was fairly sure that they were talking about him, but it sounded like they were all talking under water, the same sound he heard just before he first collapsed in the OR.

"What happened?" Meredith asked as she spotted the group of doctors whiling Alex's bed, making it just in time as they went into the elevator.

"He's bleeding…. Already lost too much blood. We need to get him into the OR now!" Dr. Bailey replied in an urgent tone.

Meredith looked at Alex for a second. He was lying on his side and at first it appeared as if he was a sleep or unconscious. But as she took a better look she saw that his eyes were slightly open. She crouched down and looked him in the eye, but he didn't seem to notice her. His eyes were blank and glassy, fever bright and something else she just can't put her finger on…. Fear maybe? But it's Alex Karv, she thought. He doesn't do scared. She stretched up and looked at Dr. Bailey, and then she looked back at Alex and tried to see him as just another patient. Any other patient would be terrified at the sight of his own blood or because of the pain. So maybe, she thought, maybe Alex is just as scared; maybe he too is terrified; maybe he is Alex Karev and he is terrified at this point, but he is Alex Karev so he just doesn't let it show. She then brushed his hair with her hands, slightly surprised at how damp his hair is from sweat and of the heat that was radiating through him, despite the ice packs that were placed along his body.

As the elevator came into a stop they pushed the bed out and whiled it in the general direction of the OR, turning some heads as the various medical personal on the surgical floor of the operating rooms recognized Alex. Meredith caught some surprised on lookers as they exchanged shocked looks at the sight of the usually cocky resident vomiting blood and looking almost barely alive.

As they passed Izzie Meredith felt like everything was being played in front of her in slow motion. Izzie took one look at Alex and immediately her face fell as realization of the severity of the situation had set in. Their looks crossed for just one second and Meredith silently said "We'll take care of him". She didn't make a sound only moved her lips but Izzie understood her and nodded, letting Meredith know that she trust them, that she trusts her to take care of him for her.

And then, just as quickly as it came the slow motion sensation had evaporated and everything resumed its normal pace, the changes of it forcing Meredith to run a little in order to catch up before they got him inside the OR.


End file.
